So I'm Like, Irritated

I expect it’s true that for most people who write journals like this, language is important. Yes, yes, I know that sounds daft. Maybe that should have been Language, capital L. And without wishing to come over all Lynne Truss (that could have been phrased better, an’ all), I’m afraid I’m one of those who finds the misuse of apostrophes catastrophic and pluralizing singulars horrific (something that seems to be forever on the rise, especially at the BBC; note to BBC editors – England doesn’t select their new manager, England selects its new manager; the government is not reviewing their policy, it’s reviewing its policy. Jeezus, how hard can it be?!)

Contemporary speech patterns change, of course, to reflect regionality, colloquialisms, catchphrases, even. But increasingly I’m wondering why they’re changing to reflect inarticulacy. A case in point:

A commercial on TV, for some type of skin replenisher. You probably know the scene; a reasonably attractive, yet everyday, one-of-us-looking woman simpers to camera about some perceived inadequacy that’s recently been eradicated by product X. I’d love to have seen the script. Because what the woman said was something akin to

“I asked my dermatologist and she was like ‘try this, it’s great.’ So I did and I couldn’t believe the results. Next time I saw her, she was like ‘how did it go?’ and I was like ‘terrific!’”

Was like. Was bloody like. ‘Was like’ appears to have replaced ‘said’, ‘asked’, ‘replied’ and, no doubt, all manner of verbs with a common goal to relay that a person spoke to someone else. And for those who say it doesn’t matter, imagine, if you will, how this seasonal tale would sound if written today.

The quarter was so long, that he was more than once convinced he must have sunk into a doze unconsciously, and missed the clock. At length it broke upon his listening ear, like

‘Ding, dong!’

Scrooge, counting, was like ‘A quarter past.'

‘Ding, dong!’

Scrooge was like ‘Half past.'

‘Ding, dong!’

Scrooge was like ‘A quarter to it.'

‘Ding, dong!’

Scrooge was like ‘The hour itself,’ triumphantly and he was like ‘and nothing else!’

Worse still, ‘was like’ might be joined by that other great speech impediment, the erroneous use of the past tense of the verb To Go as a term to indicate speech. Imagine:

‘You have never seen the like of me before!’ went the Spirit.

Scrooge was like ‘Never.'

And the Phantom was like ‘Have never walked forth with the younger members of my family; meaning (for I am very young) my elder brothers born in these later years?’ went the Phantom.

Scrooge was like ‘I don’t think I have,’ and went ‘I am afraid I have not. Have you had many brothers, Spirit?’

‘More than eighteen hundred,’ went the Ghost.

Urgh.

What has this got to do with motorcycles? Absolutely nothing. So forgive a little rant, bike-riding readers. I just find myself, like, aghast.