True Brit

It's oft said that we British chat about nothing more than the weather. How ridiculous. Frighteningly, a quick read back of some previous bike-related posts reveals that I may be one of them. The Weather Warblers. Rain, rain, rain. Too wet, too wet. Like an effing owl. Too-wet, too-wet, too-wet-ta-whoo. Yet even as my fingers drum upon the keyboard, they're outgunned by the drumming on the window of a thousand raindrops, rendering unnecessary biking pointless. May as well stay in and polish my helmet. Or something. North Yorkshire's roads, on days like these, are a bit like the best Christmas present ever if only batteries had been included. Without them, the thrill is more than muted.

So days are occupied with other things.

1) Gardening. Wet gardening. Eight hours of the past couple of days have been filled by the occupation of Digging Over the Vegetable Garden. Previously considered a job for octogenarians, I now know that it's work for for those wishing to appear like octogenarians. The bent back. The aching limbs. At times more sexton than gardener, I was kept going by a dream of robust carrots and medal-winning runners (beans not Olympians). Jeez, I'm getting old.

2) Horse riding. More aches. More stretching by muscles that I swear aren't natural. There's a theme developing here. Where's my gym card?

3) Lunch. Game. Cheese. Dry, crisp Reisling. Chocolate. Coffee. Gavi.

4) Ideas of literary ambition that feel distinctly non-delusional (maybe this should have been number 3 since they occurred before the white wine).

5) Hmm...I wonder...? (see 4).

Chicken Nuggets

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well he didn’t so much cross the road, mi'Lud, as cross the unbroken white line running down the centre of it in a rash overtaking manoeuvre…

Why did the chicken biker cross the road?
To get to its local Henda dealer.

Why did the other chicken biker cross the road?
To talk to a passing Duckati…
Biker Chick

There, bike references done. Fowl, weren’t they? They do, though, provide me with an excuse to feature the new banner, opposite, in support of the Chicken Out! campaign currently being undertaken by chefs Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Jamie Oliver. The basic premise, for anyone unversed in Channel 4’s latest food series, is to highlight the ridiculous way in which chickens are farmed in the UK and to persuade, cajole, nag and politely ask people to change their meat-shopping habits for a more ethical, healthy, responsible agenda. Yes, yes, I know there are more important things in the world to worry about than the plight of some would-be drumsticks. But as an example of the UK’s attitude to food, its collective lack of care and its willingness to be duped by sophisticated – and not so sophisticated – retail marketing, its place in the current zeitgeist should be applauded and supported. How so many people truly believe that it’s cheaper and quicker to buy pre-packed junk and serve it as food than it is to buy good ingredients and cook them, as opposed to reheat them, really, honestly astonishes me. And the fact that for every £8 spent in the retail sector in the UK, £1 of it goes to Tesco should astonish and concern everyone.

Anyway, hoorah for Hugh. Check it out, and as my local butcher put it, in a politically incorrect yet heartfelt way, may all chickens have natural breasts like Sabrina’s.

My Mate Optimate

I guess it’s been a while since I last posted anything here. In truth, the Christmas and New Year period rarely brings out anything creative in me; I prefer instead to be decadently entertained whilst existing on a diet of excellent red wine, a cache of Stinking Bishop from the north's best cheese shop and assorted mince pies. It’s the one holiday of the year that doesn’t bring on any sort of work-related guilt, given that most of the UK seems to pull down the shutters for at least a fortnight, so any task that requires interaction with another living soul tends to fall by a defaulting wayside. Plus, I’m never going to be one of those blogging-types for whom a day without writing anything brings on a bout of C/O D and a next-day-keyboard groaning under the weight of angst and dull, self-absorbed drivel. So now here we are, already a week into the countdown to Christmas 2008; Easter eggs drift onto tatty, still-tinselled shelves, the day job makes its presence felt like a drunk with a megaphone at the office party and my typing fingers appear to have shed their yuletide boxing gloves.

The weather, of course, has been most unbikelike in this vast, rugged northern county. As cold as a polar bear’s lolly, as wet as an excited otter, it brought out the fair-weather biker in me like the seasonal credit card bill brings out a case of the sweats, for which I make no apology. Some years ago, my bike licence test was undertaken in snow and a few years’ commuting across London in all-weathers taught me that a) bad weather-biking is nothing to be worried about and b) it’s bleedin’ unpleasant. So, dues paid, I leave the Monster under its durable red canvas and wait until things are, if not warmer, then at least in a condition that doesn’t require one to ride against the tide.

Which, yesterday, they were. So thermals on, leathers zipped, cover off, key in ignition, starter button pressed and…nothing. Nada, nowt, nuffink, battery as dead as the atmosphere at a moon-based launch of a Katie Melua CD.

So hoorah, then, for the Optimate III. I’m a confessed-non-technical type, unable to change a light bulb without an instruction manual, a whip, a chair and a safety net, but this little gadget now has me enthusing like a QVC presenter with an overstock of tat to shift. Simply insert into your bike’s pre-prepared socket, kick your heels for fifteen minutes or so and hey presto! The drying tarmac and sweeping bends of North Yorkshire never stood chance…